Sunday 13th August

8.34am. Took 500mg Disulfiram yesterday. Pranged hard for a beer, the thought of a pub and a beer or a room and a laptop and being drunk and blissful (funny no thought of the 2-3 days in bed sick as fuck, unable to eat that always happens after a mammoth session). Not sure if this was as a result - some kind of drug withdrawal - Renton commin off the skag - kinda moment or unrelated coincident.

In the afternoon got massive bouts of diarrhea - three times. Slept for a couple of hours. At dinner Mum opened a bottle of Merlot - I could smell the berries and tannin from across the room, its aroma sat silky on my nose as I declined verbally and my body wanted to accept so strongly.

This morning, I woke from a sound sleep, and a nice dream, all at once a stunning redhead was there and gave me such a gentle kiss in response to an awkward show of my intent - I'm always so boyishly meek when stood there, near mute, stood in front of the beauty my heart truly seeks. I could taste her lips on my own, slowly swallowing with passion risen in that long moment and as she became distant and vague again - I awoke.

Awake, I felt good for once and wanting to take the tablet again. My rational mind argued that you want to visit Virginia next weekend - so it would be wise to stop taking the tablet: it would be a shite weekend visiting people and the pub without a drink it rationalised - and I almost listened.

I took 250mg of Disulfiram this morning - the 500mg dose may have been too much. I know from experience this will be enough - and will make the tablets last longer, besides after a week the dosage is supposed to be dropped back to between 125 and 250mg maintenance dosage.

As for next weekend, or indeed a possible visit to Portugal - Isabel, whom I met in Vietnam if from Lisbon and mailed yesterday to ask when I was coming, as I had said I would - I have to learn to do the things sober that I usually did drunk. ...and in that re-develop a sense of choice in these situations.

Today I lacquer the paint job on my car...primed and painted fairly successfully over last two days. Then that's the car done, bicycle next...

Friday 11th August

Took 500mg Disulfiram at 8.10am

Yesterday: felt quesy about an hour after taking but that subsided quickly. Became a bit jittery - like too much caffeine - for a time, and slightly flustered, had some panicky and obsessive thoughts about not being able to drink. They passed once the realisation of the situation kicked in - I cannot drink alcohol under this medication for at least 1 week -10 days from taking.

Went to the auto store, Halfords and bought detailing stuff for my car. Washed the car last night with a shampoo and wax stuff. Will do touchup painting, external plastics and internal fabrics today.

***Update***

8.19am

That talking and thinking of alcohol, has me now momentarily pranging for drinking (not a specific drink, just drinking). Found myself in fond thought of being inebriated :(

I felt (both mentally and physically) that profound void that being inebriated - specifically by alcohol fills so well for me. This is the nub of the root of the problem.

As Paddy's brother told him: a blowout is good for you once in a while. (But only once in a while - not every chance you get, as then it is not so much a blowout as just a flat tyre.)

This too shall pass

10th August 2017

Time to try again. Practice makes perfect. Took 500mg of Disulfiram at 10.45am. Have had the tablets for the past month - finally in a mental place where I'm ready to do this:

Goal #one: 1 month off alcohol
#two: 2 months off
#three: 3 months off
#four: 6 months off
#five: 1 year.

Next steps: Exercise & activity

Gym, racketball/badminton & acting class, search meetup