Sunday 13th August

8.34am. Took 500mg Disulfiram yesterday. Pranged hard for a beer, the thought of a pub and a beer or a room and a laptop and being drunk and blissful (funny no thought of the 2-3 days in bed sick as fuck, unable to eat that always happens after a mammoth session). Not sure if this was as a result - some kind of drug withdrawal - Renton commin off the skag - kinda moment or unrelated coincident.

In the afternoon got massive bouts of diarrhea - three times. Slept for a couple of hours. At dinner Mum opened a bottle of Merlot - I could smell the berries and tannin from across the room, its aroma sat silky on my nose as I declined verbally and my body wanted to accept so strongly.

This morning, I woke from a sound sleep, and a nice dream, all at once a stunning redhead was there and gave me such a gentle kiss in response to an awkward show of my intent - I'm always so boyishly meek when stood there, near mute, stood in front of the beauty my heart truly seeks. I could taste her lips on my own, slowly swallowing with passion risen in that long moment and as she became distant and vague again - I awoke.

Awake, I felt good for once and wanting to take the tablet again. My rational mind argued that you want to visit Virginia next weekend - so it would be wise to stop taking the tablet: it would be a shite weekend visiting people and the pub without a drink it rationalised - and I almost listened.

I took 250mg of Disulfiram this morning - the 500mg dose may have been too much. I know from experience this will be enough - and will make the tablets last longer, besides after a week the dosage is supposed to be dropped back to between 125 and 250mg maintenance dosage.

As for next weekend, or indeed a possible visit to Portugal - Isabel, whom I met in Vietnam if from Lisbon and mailed yesterday to ask when I was coming, as I had said I would - I have to learn to do the things sober that I usually did drunk. ...and in that re-develop a sense of choice in these situations.

Today I lacquer the paint job on my car...primed and painted fairly successfully over last two days. Then that's the car done, bicycle next...